We both have our trials

January, 16

Has one never desired to live a simple life as I have?  I was once only a merchant's daughter and suddenly now, I'm a princess.  And being a princess, I realize now, is difficult.  Especially with a husband such as Beast.  At least, though I do not rule anything more than our courtyard of roses.  It seems queer to have a random castle in the middle of the forest with no kingdom to rule.  Not that I am concerned or anything.  I'm not sure if I could handle all the burdens of many people living all around our castle.  And so, I suppose not having to rule anything has helped us quite a lot. 
I once went to my husband and asked him "Beast, if you're a prince, do you know how to rule a country?"
With little thought, though certainly not entirely pleased with the answer he said, " Actually, I barely know a thing about even being a prince besides good manners and wealthiness."
I was a bit shocked to hear it, but at least I am comforted.  Now it seems there is not much worry anymore about being a princess.  I've often thought to myself that I am simply wealthy.  I know how to live like a wealthy girl.

Now what am I doing rambling about nonsense?  My apologies, I often think as I write, and write my own thoughts down in the process.  Though, I believe wanting a simpler life is relevant.   I'm living now with a man who still seems lost at whether he is still a beast or not.  Often times, when things upset him, he grumbles to himself until they turn into hissing and it shakes the whole castle with an uneasy chill.  I've heard almost every strange noise capable to erupt from a man, all from only my husband.
What is worse is that he doesn't even think that what he does is strange until I have to tell him.  That poor thing.  He always feels terrible sorry for making me feel uncomfortable.  I wish I could do something about it.

During our breakfast today, I brought up our concern ( the servants and I) of his odd behaviors to Beast.  He seemed unhappy to be told this, and he only looked at his food for a while, until he finally looked up and answered.
"Yes, you are very right, Beauty.  I am oddly unacquainted with the proper mannerism of every man.  Would it be possible that you could remind of all the things I must do?"
I thought at first, how easy this would be.  I could tell him everything he does.  But how could that change anything?  Even though he did act strange and...well...beastly, he still had the wonderful kindness and manners that any man should.  And with his personality even a little better.  And his odd changes are so infrequent and normally unpredictable.  I understand that he may not even be able to help it when he does those things.
"No, I suppose I cannot," I said after a long while. "It seems, I will have to correct you when it ever happens.  Would that be alright with you?"
He nodded in agreement and we resumed to dine, until a question gathered up inside of me and it itched so much that I just had to ask him.
"Beast?" I asked
"Yes, Beauty?" He replied
"When did the bad fairy come knocking at your door so long ago?"
I felt a little guilty after I said this, for his countenance changed from sweetness to pain.  The memory he was recollecting seemed to trouble him very much, like he just wanted to forget it.  He grimaced and ran his and through his hair and sighed, trying to pinpoint a time.
"Well, I think I was still very young then.  I think I was about twelve-years old when it happened--"
"Twelve!" 
He replied with a lowly sigh.  No wonder he was holding on to his habits for so long!  He so still young and learning to begin with.  What a burden to be living with such a shape for so long.  Twelve?  How could a boy be mean and prideful at such a young and naive age.
"I thought you said you were a mean and prideful prince once, Beast?" I asked knowing now that there must be somethings he has not told me straight off.
"I was," He replied, " I used to put tacks on my fathers chair before he sat down and I never wanted to were those silly outfits that my maid made me put on."
"But those are the simple mischief's of childhood.  That cannot certainly be the only reason to--what--happened--to you.  Why did a fairy come to your door anyw--"
At mentioning the fairy, Beast suddenly through the tray of food from before him with a snarl of shear anger (when you live with him for a while you learn to understand the meanings of his noises).  He was standing now, his fists balled and his face red, nearly to tears.  He stood up so fast I didn't even realize that he even made the action to.  I knew what he'd done and I wanted to remind him, but he seemed so angry.  I was much too scared to think of what to do but just stare at him in awe.
Then he growled and rushed away like a serpent.  He locked himself up in the study for the rest of the day.
When something like that happens to you so early in your day, it feels like you've done nothing but build up a great many questions that you're too scared to ask.